The Pens

by Norhatas Macabaas

When I was 15 years old and on my third year in secondary school, my father transferred me from a public secondary school in our hometown into a private exclusive for girls secondary school in an Islamic city in Mindanao. I find it hard to adjust myself in my new school because first of all, I am not familiar to the dialects and languages spoken in the said place, the maranao dialect. I also don’t like my classmates and I don’t want to get along with them because they disdained me if I spoke tagalog. Then what should I do? That is the only way I knew of communicating with them. I only sat beside my cousin and talk to my cousin who is also my classmate, she is my only friend in the class then. As day goes by, I can already understand maranao dialect because that is the medium of communication in my grandmother's house and I tried to speak fluently as I can. Until I gained friends and did adjust to the new environment, culture and others.

After months of going to my new school I can always observe a pretty pale classmate of mine who is not talking, head down, weak and a very loner one. I just said to my self well, there’s another me here, and I just leave her alone knowing that’s what she wants. There is one recess time that I returned to our classroom alone because I forgot to bring my money for my snack and I saw her just sitting and writing something, in my intriguing mind I really want to know what she is writing or should I say Is that really writing she is doing? I walk very slowly in front of her and tried to slightly glanced at the paper and to my surprise, she is not writing.. she is just pointing the pen in the paper and dragging it very slowly in any corners of the paper, "weird" I just said to myself and then go downstairs to the canteen where my other classmates were waiting. I did ask them about her if they can also observed her like that, they just said, " Aminah is really like that, she don’t talk, she don’t even listen" and then they laughed. I just said so Aminah is her name, my other classmate said " yes she is, she is also a transferee like you because we only saw her this year, she did not spend her 1st year and 2nd year here also like you but unlike you she is still an alien in the class" and then they laughed again.

I felt pity on her and I decided to befriend on her. The next Monday my cousin was surprised when I sat in the chair beside Amina's chair, our location is at the last part of the room almost near the door and we are the the only two sitting on there. It was our chemistry class and I am very busy taking notes on the words my teacher is writing on the board and what she is saying for me to understand the lesson. I sometimes glanced at her and as usual she is not taking down notes. I don’t even know if she is listening. After our chemistry class we have this 15 minutes break and I decided to stay in the room because I know she would not go out. She then get a pen and again dragged it in any corner of her paper. Then I ask her " What is that?" she just glanced at me, and I added" you have a very nice pen" and finally she talked and said " this is only 2 pesos", then I said "oh really?! very affordable and nice, where did you buy it?" she said " I bought it in Malabang when I was in 1st year 5 pieces for 10 pesos" I was shocked and just said "huh?" I’m thinking she is really weird. I look at the pen and it was quite old fashioned then I ask her " How did it last long for 2 years then? she glanced at me and said " the other 3 pens are still in our house im keeping it for the next school year". My mind is telling me she’s a liar but some part of me wants to believe her because I can saw the truthfulness in her eyes. " I want to finish the ink of this pen so that I can use the others" she said.. I saw tears forming in her eyes. then I said " Is that the reason why you are just dragging the pen anywhere? Why not wrote a song or any with words" she did not answer me. Until our classmates came back and our next teacher arrived that is still remains as a mystery to me. I cant say that she is lying or just taking some jokes on me cause she is really a very serious one and I cant read her mind or what she feels, I cant judge her.

\ The next morning, she is absent. I don’t know but I really wanted to see her. I felt like there’s something in here that I want to know and it bothers me a lot. Studying in that school for a month and then leave after the next month is just a normal thing, according to my other classmates. Yes, its true because there are really times that we are just 6 or 7 people in the class out of 57 enrolled 3rd year students. Most of the girls enrolled in the school were lazy but still they can continue studying until the next school year, well, that is the nature of private schools in the city. But not in Amina's case said my mind. Even I can observe her not taking down notes I can see the interest of studying in her eyes, and the way she is holding the pen that day, I can say she really wanted to write. Strange, so strange but that was how I felt.

The days went into months and the school year was about to end but I never saw Amina again. It was that one day from school that I ride in a city limit (it is a form of transportation in the city mostly for students) going home, someone hold my shoulder enough for me to check who is it and to my surprise It was Amina handling me her 3 peso fare and then I look at her with amazement and excitingly ask her.. " How Are You? Good to see you again.. Where have you been?" I ask excitingly not seeing the reactions of the other 3 passengers in the city limit, she just looked at me and then smiled sweetly and said " I am fine now and I am feeling much better now". "Why did you left school?" I ask gently. " Because I have to". We are already in the place where I have to go down and I gave my fare to the city limit driver with her fare then I said " I’m going down first hope to see you again, I was amazed when she also go down and said "I am also going down here this is also our place". While we are walking on the street to our house she is very silent, just walking and I am trying to observe her. She is very strange that my knees shivers for an unknown reason. It was until she broke her silence and said " I have something to give you" then I replied with a husky voice "What was that?" She handed me the 3 pens and I asked her " Why you are giving me such things Aminah?" I still have pen maybe you will need that.." "No, I don’t need it anymore" she interrupted, "I want you to finish the ink of my 3 pens" she added. I don’t know what happened that my 2 hands released in the air receiving the 3 pens openly. After handling it to me she said " I’m going this way" pointing the left street. Then I just said "Yes go on" and I just stare at her while she is walking away from my place without looking back until she was gone in my sight.

I went home almost 6pm that day and my cousin ask me "What took you so long?" I just said " I find hard time to ride and heavy traffic" and anyway " I saw Amina, we ride in the same city limit." "Amina? asked my wondering cousin " Amina still remember her? she is our classmate this school year then she stopped schooling I think 3 months ago. "Still remember her?" " Amina, the pale one? and the one sitting at the back? Are you sure? That is more of a confirmation rather than asking. Then I said " I am sure that was really her" . My cousin look at me seriously and said "That was impossible" and then to my wonder I also ask her " Why not? We are living in the same city and in the same country it is very possible" then I laughed. My cousin became very serious and then said "Last 2 weeks you went home in your hometown and you haven’t heard the rumors in the school because you just arrived yesterday." I look at her and asked " What rumor?" Then she looked at me and said " If you are telling the truth and the rumor is true, then a very scary thing happened to you... I’m starting to tremble now." she said and she added " Two weeks ago Amina’s cousin in 2nd year class Raihana, told her classmates that Amina died in a hospital in Iligan City, she was admitted in the said hospital for 2 months and then died there." I clearly heard every words my cousin had told me that time and after hearing all those words I don’t know what to say I’m speechless and It feels like my tongue was not moving I saw darkness and I remember nothing after.

I woke up with a headache and as I rise from the bed I’m trying to remember anything, I look at the surroundings my aunt is sleeping beside me, I know it was still late at night and I need to sleep again but I am hungry and I went to the kitchen alone. I need to find something to eat. I get some rice and a fried fish in the fridge, while I am eating I remembered everything before I slept that night. I remember her and the pen she gave me enough for me to tremble and get a glass of water and then return immediately in the bedroom. I cant sleep, even when I close my eyes I can see her and her face staring at me. I want to wake my aunt but she is sleeping tight. It was just my imagination I know ,but the knowing that she is already dead and I did have a conversation with her is a very strange and scary thing. I remembered the pen, Where did I put it? "No, I wont touch it" I said to myself. I forced myself to sleep again ignoring all the fear. I covered myself with a blanket and I put the pillow in my whole face and then I pray on my mind for the almighty to give me peace of mind.

The next morning, I woke up very early as well as my cousin too. " Today we will confirmed it" said my cousin " Maybe the rumor is not true because that was two weeks ago and it only lasted for a day and then no one talk about it after." I just stay calm and said

" Don’t tell them what had happened to me, for maybe it will cause a panic or they will not believe me"

" Don’t worry we will not".. said my very understanding cousin. " Not until we can confirmed the truth about it." We reach the school at exactly 7pm and the flag raising was about to begin. We went to our line I went to the last line because I am taller than my cousin, she went on the front line, and then the flag was raised and we sang the national anthem. After the flag raising we are all on our way to our classroom when I recognized one girl from the line also approaching to the classroom ahead from us, I hold my cousin in the hand ask her " Did you saw her? and she glance at me "See whom?" Its her, Amina over there going upstairs she is with us." Then I cried and said to my cousin " I don’t want to go to the classroom I’m scared let us stay outside please, and please believe me, I am the only one seeing her" I am very scared that day and I am very thankful that my cousin believe me.

Me and my cousin did not enter the class that day because I am crying and I don’t want to be alone. Instead of going to class we went to 2nd year classroom and look for Raihana, Amina's cousin and we are very thankful that the 2nd year had no class in the first period. We have much time to talk to Raihana. We ask her and she confirmed it to us and I heard it like a bell in my ear.. " She is already dead and buried two weeks ago, the Tibaw for Aminah is on-going in Malabang. I’m going home this Thursday, If you want you can come with me." We did not answer her, we just thank her and then we leave, then my cousin said "We had to enter our class, if the principal will see us here we will be punished" my cousin said, then I agree because its true, I want to go home but I know my cousin wont go home coz she is into academic and I don’t want to go home alone, I don’t want to be alone. We are about to get inside when I saw her again in the window of the classroom staring at me, she is still in the same sitting position at the back and near the door. I cant breath, Why such this things happening to me? I ask myself, "What does she want?" I enter the room and ignore her I sat in front and never look back, then suddenly she was gone.

I decided to come with Raihana in their hometown to witness the Tibaw for Amina. They have a grandiose house, I never expected that one, I thought all the way that Aminah came from a simple family but I was wrong. Raihana introduced us to Amina’s parents and they are such very hospitable people. They gave us foods and even blankets coz its a cold day back then. People come and go in that house and I am just observing it. I was about to get a drinking water when I heard a whispering woman to her companion " poor child, she is very young to leave this world" the other one answered " Inshaallah she will rest in peace for she suffered too much in her sickness since she was a child". Something went into my mind. Amina was suffering from a long time illness? My curiosity sent me into the front of Aminas mother and ask her about everything and she did not fail me, she told me everything.

"Amina is my only child" she started, "and the only daughter of my husband," she wept. "She has 3 siblings in my husbands second wife Khadidja and they are all boys. We found out that she has leukemia when she was just eight years old, from then we started the medication for her hoping that she will survive. With prayers, medication and determination we manage to save her life and that’s what we thought, but not until when she was eleven that the sickness came back again and she suffered a lot, that we need to stop sending her to school so that we can manage to have a serious medication on her. We brought and admitted her in a private hospital in Manila and her doctor said Amina should stay there for an observation if her body will respond to medicine" Amina’s mother stopped for a while and wiped the tears coming from her eyes, then took a deep breath and continued. "After 3 months of staying in that hospital, her doctor advised us to send Amina into other hospital because her body is not responding to any medicine anymore. The doctor even said "Prayer is our last hope for her, science cant save her anymore, we have to trust the almighty one to let Amina live longer in this world. Even if we can find a bone marrow for her, that is not an assurance that she will survive. We have to pray for her to live."

Her father and I decided to bring her home here in Malabang with a very heavy heart, we are also running out of money that time. Amina doesn’t know about her condition, or even she knew it, we cant hear anything from her. I can never forget that day when she told me, " Mother I want to go to school.." I cried and said Yes my daughter I will send you to school, I want her to be happy and do and give her all the things she wanted that it was the last thing I can give her.”

“We send her in secondary school and after the middle of the school year she became weak and we have to admit her in a hospital again, I pity my daughter for she is suffering a lot from an illness she don’t deserve to have." I interrupted her and ask her " Does Amina has plenty of friends here?" or in the school?" “None,” she said, “because of her condition, she find it hard to find friends and she rather wanted to be alone." “Any reason why? Did she told you why she’s not hanging around with people? "Because she is weak," she answered. “When she was a little girl she can’t even play with other kids, and when she became a young lady she has this inferior of all things, because she is very weak, her body is weak, there’s so many things she want to do but unfortunately she can’t do all that stuffs. She don’t even talk, even to us. I can only heard her speak about 3 to 4 lines and then that’s it, but despite of her being like that, I still love her and I am trying to understand her. I am still thankful that God permitted us to be with our daughter until her 14th year in this world" she added.

"How did Amina transferred to our school then?” Amina did not finish her first school year in secondary, not even her second year, because she really wanted to go to school and she really want to finish..." she stopped and cried. She want to have a continuous schooling and we want to see her happy, we did all the necessary papers to make her step forward into her third year school, we send her in your school, the last school she attended. " Does Amina knew she is dying? "She knew it.. " she huskily answered. " But she’s not thinking about it, She has still an overview of her future, and I can say she still want to live.." and she cried again. I comfort her, I can feel the despair on her.. Then I remember that I have to give her something the real reason why I went to their home. I handed her the 3 pens Amina gave me. Then she asked me, "Did she gave it to you? and I nodded. I remember she is always holding this pen in the hospital when she died and I put and locked it in her cabinet. Then she immediately stand and went to a room checking something on there and then returned to me again. " Amina really gave you this? How did this pens.. Oh my God!" then I decided to tell her the truth "She gave that to me last Tuesday at about 6pm, I saw her and I don’t have any idea that she’s already dead." "What did she told you" she asked. " She said she want me to finish the ink of her pens". She cried out loud and said " Oh my daughter! my poor daughter", " She really wanted to go to school, to write, to read.. but her sickness and her sight is making it hard for her to do it. " Her sight?" I asked and wondered. " Yes she has also a very poor sight, it was the effects of medicine on her body making her not able to read and write in usual manner. Now I understand why Amina was just dragging her pen at any point of her paper, it was just because she cant do it. Without knowing tears drop down from my eyes, and Its like I cant breath my heart is aching. me and her mother both cried.

After a long silence between us, Aminas mother handed me the 3 pens again and said " It belongs to you, she gave it to you" in my mind I don’t want to accept it, afraid that Amina will follow and appeared again, but she held my hand and softly said, " Don’t be afraid my child, she gave it to you because maybe you became a good peer to her, did you? Even spirits can feel our love, and they knew the people who cares for them." They will never hurt the people who cares for them, she just wanted you to remember her and she needs our prayer." I don’t know what to say but I held the pen and put it in my bag again. If Amina wants me to finish the ink of her pens and that would make her happy and rest in peace, I will definitely do it.

Me and my cousin leave the house at exactly 3pm in the afternoon, we have 3 hours travel until we reached the city again. "I have a very light heart now," I said. " "Maybe because we already knew the truth" my cousin answered. "You think Amina would appear again?" I asked her nervously,

" I don’t have idea about that you are the one seeing her right? I haven’t even any conversation with her when she was alive." " I hope she is resting in peace now and I will pray for the peace of her soul. "Me too" added by my ever supportive cousin. our prayers had been answered, I never saw her again since that day and I did use the 3 pens she gave me and finished the ink.

Years passed and we finished our secondary school and about to begin a new journey in college. In my two years staying in that school It was her that left a mark in my heart. We only have a 15 minute conversation but until that day the memory of her remains as one of my most memorable and the most unexplained experiences in my high school years. Thank you so much for reading this story.